While we’re talking I’m processing…
Finding the
threads
Being a therapist often feels like being in a yarn shop - the various colors and textures pulling my attention as I search for important threads.
What's the emotion that isn't being felt? Are your thoughts or assumptions on extremes when a middle path would be helpful? Where has your mind decided a result before it could actually experience it?
Sometimes a thread really stands out to me, begging for attention. It's often softer, quieter than what you're really talking about. Because all of us hold a pile of threads: loud, protective threads, baby-soft threads that are scared of being left behind, threads wanting to meet someone else's expectations.
Basically: Inside Out got a lot right.
What emotion isn't being felt?
Are your thoughts living in extremes?
Has your mind decided a result before it could even experience it?
Let me show you what I mean
A FICTIONAL CLIENT
Sam
THE WORK IN MOTION
Sam was anxious after another relationship ended: "What if I'm alone forever and that was my last chance at love?!"
I could pull the tender thread: Tell me about the part of you that worries you'll never find what you're looking for in love.
Or the practical thread: What are you needing today to feel more regulated? This week?
I chose the thread under them all: I wonder if there's a quiet wish that partnership will bring security and regulation - that you'll be free from taking care of yourself.
Immediately, Sam said no. I responded, "Alright. I was thinking it when you said having a girlfriend would help when you're overwhelmed." Sam: "It's reasonable to want to come home to someone comforting, Rachel." Respecting Sam's position, I pivoted slightly, "What do you imagine when you picture receiving comfort?" We moved on.
Months later, during another breakup, Sam said, "You know, you asked once if I think romantic relationships will settle me; I thought it was bullshit. But I feel so anxious after this breakup even though I know she wasn't right for me. I do think that, don't I?"
That’s the work in motion.
A FICTIONAL CLIENT
Chris
Under the surface of our thoughts and behaviors lie deep-seated fears, expectations, and wishes. Relational work is looking for the symbolic threads underneath it all.
Chris chronically feared getting sick, cleaning and washing their hands - a lot. First, we analyzed what triggered the worry and the urges to clean. Then we interrupted the cycle: reducing washing, allowing the sensation of fear to come and go, teaching Chris they could be safe without their rituals.
But I wondered why: Why cleaning? Why some days rather than others?
Chris went deeper: they cleaned more when they felt insecure with their partner and wanted a sense of control. They also feared death and losing people they loved - control getting sick and you control death.
This isn't traditional psychodynamic theory - I am not deeply trained in object relations or ego psychology. I am trained in looking for what's happening under the surface; what drives our behavior in unexpected ways.
WHAT’S HAPPENING UNDER THE SURFACE
The framework underneath it all
If you like knowing therapy theories, I am trained in third wave behavior theory - ACT & DBT - and informed by attachment theory and relational psychodynamic thinking.
At its core, ACT invites you to be in your life more than in your mind. Most of us were never taught to notice thoughts without getting pulled into them, to allow difficult emotions to rise and fall, to choose actions that actually reflect what we stand for. The heart of my training: be more present, more open, and more engaged.
I want to know something inside and out before I recommend a change. Why are you stuck in this specific way? When did it start? When has it been different, or with whom? These aren't just trite questions, they are the difference between try a few deep breaths and your panic in your relationship stems from a pattern in childhood and requires a deep, gentle breath to remind you that you're worthy of love.
That's the work: continuously meeting yourself over and over again with compassion and choosing the next, best thing.